The Last Post

its more than just walking away
or having said all i've wanted to say
i've come to the end of so many chapters
here i leave my past falters

i've come to a close here
i'm turning forward without fear
the sun has perhaps risen
i'm stepping out of my prison

i look back with fondness
these memories i will treasure
this place now a memorial
of all my adventures

here i smiled, cried, laughed, bled
these pieces of me bearing testimony
to all whom i've met
who left their marks on my heart

but alas, somethings must come to an end
this place is no exception
i'm leaving now as a man
perhaps some sort of graduation

here i say my goodbye
no more records of sighs
or happy times or memories
goodbye pieces of existing me.

melt my heart
my words elude me
i just don't know where to start

Last night I dreamt of you
Felt like yesterday we were still happy together
Do I look back too often?
I’m blinded by my own ridiculous hopes
I just want to be with you

To watch you sleep once again in my arms
To be there and tell you that I care
To hold you when the world’s falling apart
That somehow, I’d have your heart

These days we’re far too near
But the distance grows painfully so
I look on with sadness, these tears
Somehow, I’m a source of your fears

I write too much history
Letting it all affect me
Here I lie missing you
Its something I’ve grown too used to.

I’m glad to have seen you and spoken to you
I know you don’t feel the same as I do
I can only hope for the best
And know that someday you’ll waltz away

what do you see
when you look at me
someone that makes you turn away
making you hold back things you're no't supposed to say

such paradoxes make life
i still look on thinking its not over
thus the source of my strife
perhaps to follow me forever

what do you see
this man who once had dreams
a man who now is seldom happy
or so it seems

here i remain thinking about you
am i in love with you or an ideal?
i take myself so far away when you're near
the further i am, the closer i hold you dear.

couldn't you be nearer than this distance
from singpore to tokyo
its too much to take for my soul
i wish i knew far more than appearances

is your heart still broken, have you healed
is your smile just a smile
or hiding something more
i dont want to leave
or does my persistence
rile you?

elizabeth (one year later, and i still love you)

some people say i haven't let go
some people look and say such a poor soul
through this time i've grown way too old
one year has gone by, perhaps way too slow

your name still lingers on my lips
sometimes i awake with the taste of your kiss
i wish there were better scripts
that somehow this will end in bliss

some people say i havent accepted
some people say i'm foolish to have waited
i know this time wasn't wasted
because it was on Him that i waited

liz i wish it weren't so awkward
sometimes at night my heart still hurts
liz i realise its you i miss
i wish i could skip to the ending without going through this

have feelings messed up my psyche?
maybe somethings are so plain to see
but somehow in grief i've missed
all that trasnpired in the midst

is it love or delusion?
i fail to make a proper conclusion

EJ i wish i was where you are
these places bring back more than i can take
it doesnt matter how far
or how many times my heart will break
i still want to be with you
no matter what has been said

joanna

your name fills my mind
thoughts of you that overwhelm
i realise i'm missing you
that i want to be with you

joanna did i ever tell you
how i love getting lost in your eyes?
joanna i wish things were different
that i could hold your hand
and say i love you

tonight i'm thinking of your smile
your laugh, your hair and the way you move

do you still think of me?
what do you see?
one year on,
i'm where i was, perhaps with the same song

letters of pledged love
stored away so close to reach
the pieces that serve
to remind me of what once was

and i shake my fist towards the sky
feeling the rain pouring down
heaven is too far away from my sigh
my anger threatens to drown

here i ask why againe to silence
why the pain, why this mess
one year on and im still here
how much has changed?

i scream i shout but there is no response
this anger that burns, the resentment agaisnt the silence
i look up in defiance
rging against the One who gives me breathe.

Joanna

have you seen her pretty eyes
no, they're not as blue as the skies
but large enough to get lost in
and they come with a silly grin

here i try to sing a ditty
about this pretty lady
joanna, you sure dont look thirty
surely you're still in poly
joanna, you're still eligible?
i don't believe you're available!

have you seen her smile
takes you for many a mile
vivacious, energetic and passionate
whats there not to like about her?

never needing to squeeze into any outfit
she'll make models jealous with her figure
don't worry about any mess, she's real neat
getting things packed and arranged for sure

joanna brightens my wednesdays
her smile's brigther than the sun's rays
she's pretty beautiful
hey and thoughtful too

here's a girl who doesn't like shopping
but sure loves walking and smiling
sounds like someone i'd fall in love with but such a pity,
im only twenty!

running free from yesterday
the shadows no longer holding
me back from what He has to say
here in HIs love, im flying!

the chains fallen down
set free for so long
yet i was waddling in the old songs
sticking around in the wrong town

seems like everyone's moved on
from winter into spring
or into a new day that's dawned
makes me wonder what life will bring

relationships, studies and exciting ventures
i'm caught waiting, drifting, helpless, hapless
where's my adventure?
no answers abide, im just hopeless

stuck in a rut,
yesterday's memories still kicking my butt
looking forward with legs to run
but this where i am, stuck and not much fun

everyone's got their exciting story to tell
joy, happiness, achievements,
life is just so damn swell
not when im left without much accomplishments

seems everyone's moving on,
when's my turn? i feel abandoned
the wait's been too long drawn
that's gone on far too long
far too long.

Something below the surface
To much left unsaid as I stare at the grave
Someone died that day
Someone I could save

The avoidance of pain
Nothing will ever be the same
The guilt, the shame
It tore me apart
Still does today

The tombstone a somber reminder
Its ghosts will forever linger
I don’t know what to believe
I don’t know where the body went

the weeds failed to grow
nothing can cover it
its somewhere in my memory
etched in a fractured psyche

these chains refuse to leave me
I refuse to believe they weigh me down
Its been long enough to get over
Somehow I couldn’t pull through

Even If

Even if the hurt’s too much to bear
When storms just keep coming from nowhere
I still hold on to You, knowing You care
Even if it doesn’t feel that way
I’ll believe all You have to say

These words I weakly pray
Knowing deeply that You remain faithful
Creator, Savior, Warrior, You’re able
Here I will walk with You
No matter what I see or feel

These dreams and disappointments that I have
Broken pieces with no endings in sight
Here I trust You who alone can salve
Finding comfort in Your infinite might
I will hold on with what little I have

Even in this time of weakness
Of numerous questions and deep seated fears
I will trust in You, Your love so boundless
Knowing Your grace is somehow made perfect in weakness

i still care, i still want to be there for you
with every sad post comes a breaking heart
with every entry i know i dont know anything
can we just be friends again?

this wait that hurts
the shattered hurt that breaks again
knowing theres someone else in your life
i hoped there was so much more
but im left with your door slammed shut in my face

foolishly i still care, still want to be there
im more confused than ever, lost and in grave danger
i'll just wait, not knowing which way is best
i know im not ready for whats next
perhaps i'll remain this way forever
holding onto something i shouldnt!

so i wait to see if theres anything to it
why cant i forget? is this my reward for giving my best?
my condemnation for soiling your wedding dress
somehow youve moved on so easily
im happy for you, just that it feels to me
my heart wasnt worth anything in weight
to have you move on so quickly, to have you forget me
it hurts, its an act of betrayal.

Lord please bless her heart

I asked for blessing and changes,
You lead towards difficulty and trial
of hurts and a dozen hemorrhages
the stumbling that You say is essential

doesn’t it hurt to see her in pain?
were all prayers said in vain?
somehow I trusted You
but disappointment is all I feel

But You know what’s best
I’ll trust in You to lead towards rest
because along this long journey of life
You alone rule over all our strife.

I asked for so much,
knowing You’ll give her more than anyone can imagine
but all she got was Your touch
this the result from salvation from sin
isn't that more than enough?

But I will trust in You,
the God who’s given His one and only Son
no matter what goes on
You’ve given her this Seal
Your Spirit, a Holy guarantee
And its more than I can ever imagine

doesn’t it hurt when questions are asked?
when children throw their hurts at You
and tell You how they feel.
Lord here i trust in You
knowing You know whats best

and i wanna see You move mightily
in the lives of those around me
Lord with every prayer i rise to You
may the answer be a resounding yes

these prayers i raise to You
Lord i hubly ask of You
to move mightily, swiftly and victoriously.
here i will be on bended knees
to raise the deepest cries of my soul
knowing You listen, knowing Your in control

and i wanna see Your presence overwhelm
to see You move and bless beyond the spiritual realm
these prayers i know go somewhere
i praise You for You never forget
You hold on ever tightly, and in You i trust

Is this how it was meant to be?
This wait, this trial for me
It’s a challenge to stay sober
Lord I just can’t go on any longer

The valleys last too long
The shadows grow too cold
I strain just to sing Your song
The pain, it burns me so

How can I go on when I strain to see You?
Its tougher than how I feel
The storm clouds suffocate and cover
How do I find joy when I suffer?

But I will remember what You have done
The blessings and how You carried me
Somehow one day I’ll see the sun
And I know You’re doing so much more than what I can see
For I know not the wonderful plans You have for me

And I will sing,
Even when the storms close in
Though I grow weak and weary
I know Who will carry,
Yes I know Who loves so deeply

So once again I come before You
Emptied like never before
Its so hard to be still
Amidst the tears and sores
But I know You understand
And its in You I find comfort
In the Son of Man,
In He who doesn’t turn away the hurt

Blue Rose

Don’t come too close to me
I’m afraid of falling in love with you
Don’t go too far away as well
I want to know everything about you

It’s just the way you captivate
I can’t fall in love now
Not before the answers have been said
Yet I wish I could see you for more tomorrows.

And I just want to spend sometime with you
To come closer than this wide divide feels
If you move so far away, I understand
Perhaps the most unattractive, is a divided man

Don’t be concerned with what anyone says
I think you’re beautiful, in so many ways
More than how words can capture
But I don’t think we’re meant to be together

Don’t come too close to me
Be weary of me
I don’t want to hurt you
I love being around you
I just don’t want to fall in love with you
But I can’t help but like you

elissa

the feelings just flow
on a night that's grown cold
the feeelings still flow
we'll never ever know
how things were to go

i sit down here today
having gone through the places we used to go
visiting the past, the undelivered bouquet
how am i to go through these pained hellos?

the emotions still run high
upon the hearts' long drawn sighs
i long for the sparks that use to fly
but i'll never ever know now

i go on my knees tonight
feling the pain in our hearts
if you'd sk me, i'd say im alright
but we both kow, we've fallen apart


*inspired by elissa's notes*

the months and days will go by
this hope i will keep
close to my heart and in my prayers
i dont know how things will turn out
as i wrestle each night with God

it felt like the end was too sudden
like there was much more to go.
im praying im right
that somehow i'll get to hold your hand
and walk by your side again

the years may even swing by
i dont know how long i must wait
the battles i will face
the fights that will scar
that the Lord will fight for me

so here i am, somehow believing
and somehow even if im disappointed.
i know He is still the God
that gives and takes away
and has given such a great gift
one who died so willingly for me.

hurt

once again in brokeness i approach your throne
to find peace and mercy that flows
washing away the shame and pain
these pieces i carry to you
knowing that somehow you know whats best

no matter how i feel, no matter what happens
here i wait, yes Lord i wait for you
in brokeness, in tears sometimes in hot anger
somehow you still love me, through christ
you make the valleys rise

in this hard season of time
the dry times and painful nights
i know you have my future in sight
yes you care yes you love me
even when i dont feel like its so

chaffed and bent over
with this time to wait upon you
Lord i dont know what to do
but to stay here, to stay by you

seashore

footprints in the softsand
a long way to become a man
many more steps, many more memories
farther than the eye can see

the sets i see always vary
so many people next to me
these days i grow so weary
but i know one set thats there consistently
Yours that made a mark
upon this often broken heart

the seashells and animals that adorn
little decorations that You paint upo
often spoiled by clutter and pride
yet somehow, its for us You died
when it all ends this i know
it will be a wonderful sight

Lord my heart longs for You
i just dont know how much longer i can carry on
this wait has taken its toll
i thought i surrendered it all
but some burdens remain

Lord i cant see so very far
i dont know why i'm going down this path
the broken road that never seems to end
the character traits that You and i want
doesnt seem to come about

im left with a broken heart
that's taking so long to heal
Lord is there a reason i'm in this alone?
or perhaps i should change my view

Lord i know you walk with me
have mercy and let your grace fall
i cant take it anymore

i will always remember
the times we had together
the times we got it so wrong
and the ties it felt so right

i know its ended but somehow
i know the story hasnt come to a close
who knows how it will end
i hope in fairytale stories
and maybe this will be one too.

the gifts lie astrewn in heart and in the room
i somehow hope against all hope, that we'll be reunited soon
the odds are against us, feelings that were burning
are'nt there anymore
so i wait and hope for the best

i'll be ok when you choose someone else
i'll be happy for you
or i'll try to be hoping the smile
is as real as can be

Blue Rose

the blue rose that likes red
one that captured my eyes
yet still so far away
wishes and mysteries
that refused to be let solved.

is it ever possible to hold you
yet they say you let those who hope
attain the impossible
this distance that separates
my heart from your door
the gentle knocks,
waiting somehow, it my be opened.

blue rose, how very special
the many faceted mystery
that i've walked into
blue rose how far can we go?

Sorry

just wondering how it all should be
the end that never would be
or the words that never meant
its hard to wander

how did you keep it all in
or throwing it away
the troubled nightmares
from the dream, from our dreams

the words never came out right
i wonder how the last kiss should've been
these memories they hurt still
babe do u still want me?

so i walk on, away from the mess
separation brings about
just how much he means to you
i leave, just the way things were

so i dont wanna say goodbye
sorry wont do for the tears that i cried
babe farewell, i'll see you
maybe at your wedding day.

long drawn night, painted on a pretty sky
on a messy table, cluttered and without direction
a strength that cant serve its purpose
desires that have been leashed
a heart that's tired

portraits that remain to haunt
broken glasses that cut superficially
and wounds that heal and the scars that tear
a head that's heavy, a heart that wants so much more

the cold song that sings, amid a distant past
a flame that burnt out, a ighter that remains
fuel that has been poured out
time refuses to light the spark
a hand that holds on too tightly

the cool night, with a gentle breeze
someone divine in the midst
the clutter and the clouded
a sword to pierce the darkness
a light to shine the way forward.

i think you're beautiful,
no one would come close
just stay by me,
i must keep from staring

its just the way your hair is
or how elusive your smile is
tease me, let me in
you've got me absoulutely smitten

i think you're beautiful
its just the eyes
and the way you move
so much about you
so much thats true
so much hidden about you

Able

For You alone are able
Everything that I need,
The strength for these feeble knees
For both standing and kneeling
The hope for this torn heart
That somehow struggles to beat

I know I’ve been set free
Free to be all I am to be
I rest on this guarantee
Of Your love for me

For You alone deserve all glory
Your more than what I can see
The plans and gifts you have for me
Something’s I can never imagine them to be

How can I walk this road?
The endless and tedious
I long to see Your face
How long must I wait upon You?

For You alone are faithful
You never forget those you love
I know I know and I rest on Your guarantee
This infinite love for me

And in this, You have made me able
To stand even though I fall
Before You, for You alone are able.

sophia

beyond that glass wall
to who you really are
beyond the guarded and fearful
the mist that surrounds a mystery

the ice that covers and blurs a beautiful form
will i find anything? or maybe i wont be let in
and i wonder on if im overbearing
so i look on far from the outside

sophia, how you roll in thoughts
how your name hangs around longer than it should
beautiful, more so than how anyone thinks of you

burnt by ice now and then
i could be imagining or maybe its real
the closer i get the more guarded

the coolness belies something more
someone i havent known

sophia, sophia, how much more will we know
sophia sophia, i must admit, youre beauty has caught my eye
will i be content just looking on from where i am?

the distance that aches
pain and longing these i know
i was there years before
should the tears ever fall
should the pain be too much to bear
cry out, let them fall,
its ok, we're human anyway

the journey to manhood costs so much
yet this chapter isnt enough
surely there must be a better way
surely this isnt the only way

here you walk down the path i once trod upon
press one dear brother, dear friend
i know how its like to long
when the close of the chapter seems so long

Jesus walks, yes He does, for you as He did with me
take heart dear brother, He never gives up
when the tears and blood flow,
when pain and missings overwhelm
He's more than the balm
He's your lion of judah

this God who took me through the storms
the endless muck and mud
is yours as well
march on, knowing He will cause this
to become good somehow.

here in my prayers i remember you
i know He'll answer them, i know
He never ignores any cry
press on dear brother
know that when you cry
i cry with you too.

who are You? this i cry out in the night
when tears speak beter than words
the night that envelopes and swallows
who are You? this i want to know

is there really a light that shines in the darkness?
the warmth that pays the wrath
the love that is given freely
how hurt my soul is, how do i receive

do i believe? how can i?
the things that surround arent ever uplifting
i dont have the strength to take Your beating
how do i cling on?

the waters did part, the earth was made
You formed me. i find it so hard to see You
the obstacles overwhelm, the scars run too deep
i cant hear in the chaos, i cant see when im blinded

do i belive? oh i want to say strongly i do
who are You? is there true love?

the long road that beckons
on this rocky place i travel on
failing to leave some bags behind
it weighs on me so.
time doesnt wait.

suddenly i find a cold place in a warm heart
where few dare venture, fewer enter
the shadows of yesteryear loom
once chased away now back again

the long road that i take, who knows where it leads
the wait i have, is it even worth it?

the picks that chip away the ice
the spiked boots and sore ankles.
seeing a face i used to know
dreaming of dreams that have made this a nightmare.

birthday wish

oh for the things that money can buy
new clothes, new looks, new rides
the friends and a party organised
some noise some sounds
that perhaps would drown out
how i really feel

this one wish that money cant buy
one desire, for anyone
for that shoulder to cry on
wont you tell me everything's ok
especially when i feel ever so lonely

would you watch and quiet me
when the tears pour, when they fall
i look ahead and i dont see much to look forward to
perhaps just a hand to hold.
and a shoulder to bear these burdens.

this wish of mine, how sad it is
how sad it is.

now set free i run the plains
time runs short, it wont wait for me
here i wont chase after nothing
i run for You, and i run after You

the chains that fall
the liberation i havent felt in awhile
no guilt on me i run free

now set free i run this race
for the prize that lies ahead

rose

lovee is like a rose without the flower
it hrts when you get closer
when you want to give up
the thorns stab your heart
how can i hold on? the bleeding won't stop

it hurts me so to choose
i want to hold on
but it's getting messy
i cant hold them in seeing you hurt

why is love full of thorns
its something i cant grasp
all i want is to be there
but i'm all messed up

love is like a rose without the flower
green, ugly, selfish and sour
how can it blind anyone?
i want to drown out its sound

i'm holding onto the thorns
i'm bleeding, my heart crying
it hurts me bu i want to hold on

*an old piece from around '05*

elizabeth

sixty miles an hour from orchad to admiralty
twenty times your name came to mind
with all my memories of yesterday's me
somehow i can't shake them away,
somehow i can't help but reminisce

ten tears fell one by one
and i only had six words to say to you
but you wouldn't hear them, you couldn't feel me
you left too suddenly, too soon
leaving me behind with whats left of us

thank you for loving me elizabeth
for always watching for me
whay did you stay so long with me
if you had left earlier, i wouldnt be feeling
the pain i'm going through now

two hours on the wheel
one ring on my right hand
the tears never dry
what am i to do darling?
you left so soon, i wasn't ready


*an old piece from the year before*
"but how prophetic, how i feel it so, even now, yes even now"

See You At Sunrise

The rain keeps pouring, I don't know when it'll end
my dusk never breaks, my dawn never coming
but I'll press on, no matter how long the tunnel is,
I know I'll see the light

I fall, I stumble
my face wet with rain, tears, mud and humuliation
but the darkest clouds won't stop me
the deepest cuts won't slow me
no matter how long the night lasts,
I know I'll see the light

The dusk will break, night will end and maybe not even todayy
but I'll press on, with knowledge that the sun exists
I know I'll see the light
See you at sunrise

I know I won't be flying
I ain't afraid of raining
ain't nothing gonna stop me
rain, storms,hail or heat
I'll move on till my body gives
the light still shines
I know i'll see it

See you at sunrise



*an old piece from a few years before*

"i know the sun exists, i will press on, i'll see you at sunrise."